Friday, April 27, 2012


For those of you who are worried that the fashion industry is ignoring America's gun owners, stop worrying. According to a recent article in the New York Times, Woolrich, the long-established clothing company, is now making clothes that come with a place to hide handguns and other weapons. So the next time you're doing your holiday shopping, you might hear the customer in front of you saying, "I'd like to buy a pair of pants with cuffs, a low rise, and a gun holster waistband. And please wrap that as a Christmas gift."

 Woolrich makes it clear that this clothing is not for self-styled commandos. Instead, it is for the "fashion aware gun owner." I guess that means soon there will be fashion shows with models walking down the runway wearing Glock-concealing thongs.

 Several other clothing manufacturers now make clothes for people who carry concealed handguns who have been annoyed by that pesky gun bulge in traditional clothes. What's the point of carrying a concealed weapon if your clothes don't allow it to be concealed?

The sales of this kind of clothing has increased dramatically over the past few years as more and more states have allowed people to carry concealed weapons. I've never understood the point of carrying a concealed weapon for protection. If you really want to deter someone from attacking you or robbing your house, wouldn't they be more discouraged if they saw you were carrying a gun? You know, as in, "I'm not going to mess with that guy. He's got a gun." I'm sure I'll become enlightened on this when I receive explanations from those readers who carry concealed weapons. I just hope they are wearing clothes that allow them to email comfortably while carrying. 

Under Armour is another company that will soon be weapons-fashionable. Under Armour is known for its athletic wear. Soon, fans will be able to wear their weapon hiding Under Armour clothes while attending high school, college, and pro sports games. This is great, because there's not enough fan violence at sporting events.

Fans? Wait a minute. Why limit weapon hiding clothes to the fans at games? How about the players? Wouldn't they be perfect for athletes who want a little extra protection? I can hear the slogan now: "Sometimes a helmet and shoulder pads just aren't enough." Crowds won't be limited to shouting, "Defense, Defense" during games. Soon they'll be crying out, "Self-defense, Self-defense."

I'm sure aggressive manufacturers will not forget another important demographic: babies. The National Rifle Association's website talks about safety and how important it is to educate young children about firearms. They even have suggestions for a school program for kids in pre-kindergarten. So if parents hide their guns in their babies' special diapers, they'll be accomplishing two things. First, they'll get their tots to feel more comfortable around guns. Secondly, they'll be prepared to ward off any violent parents who cut in front of them at Babies R' Us. 

There is bound to be a bit of a transition time. So don't be surprised if you see someone turn to a cop to say, "I swear. I didn't know the diaper was loaded."

Friday, April 13, 2012

Set My People Free From ...?

Civilization as we know it is just about to come to an end. I came across a new piece of evidence of this just last week. At the Passover Seder I attended, guests actually had the option of regular or gluten-free matzos. Let me repeat that phrase: "gluten-free matzos." For thousands of years, Jews have been able to eat regular matzos without there being a problem. I don't believe that any medical study has determined that the incidence of gluten related digestive problems spikes every Passover. However, now that it's 2012, there has to be gluten-free matzos. I guess soon we'll be reading in a new version of the Bible that Moses led his flock to the Red Sea and said, "Okay, everybody stop. If you're gluten-sensitive, remove that unleavened bread from your backs and return to slavery in Egypt. For the rest of you, have I got a surprise about what I'm going to do with this Red Sea."

In case you're wondering, yes, there was a person at the dinner who was lactose intolerant. We're used to that. On the other hand, Gluten intolerance is relatively new to us. A while back, hypoglycemia was all the rage. What happened to that? Did all the hypoglycemiacs disappear?

Don't get me wrong. I have complete compassion for people with medical problems who require a special diet. I'm thrilled that a change in diet can be a lifesaver for them. Gluten is a protein in wheat and some other grains that certain people just can't tolerate. For them, it can be very dangerous to eat foods that contain gluten.

However, in addition to those who actually suffer from dietary conditions, I have a sneaky suspicion that there are a whole bunch of people who suffer from the condition that I'll call, "Hey, maybe I have that."

So, there are two distinct groups of people. One group consists of those who have had medical tests and/or their doctors have told them that they have some food intolerance. The other group consists of people who think they have this condition because their cousin told them they do, or because they read about it in a book that was on a shelf next to a book like, "Eat Watermelon for a Month and Get Taller."

A particularly annoying feature of those in Group Two is that they talk loudly and incessantly about their alleged condition. I'm pretty sure that those who really have dietary problems don't shout about them in restaurants or monopolize the conversation by talking about them at dinner parties.

Those who would take umbrage from my saying that they might suffer from "Hey, maybe I have that," may say that if they don't really have that condition, why do they feel better on their lactose-, gluten-, or whatever-free diets? The simple answer is that they are probably eating healthier now. Maybe they've eliminated a great deal of junk or fattening foods. Even if it is based on an illusion, eating better is a good thing. I'm happy that they're getting healthier. Just stop talking about it.

I'm really tired of hearing a waiter tell me a restaurant's specials and have him say things like their cream of mushroom soup is dairy free. In addition, I certainly don't want to know what artificial ingredient (that we'll soon learn is dangerous) has replaced milk in that soup.

It's gotten completely out of control. There is actually a website called For a mere eighty-five dollars, they will test you for 600 food and non-food intolerances. Of course, they won't test you for an intolerance to all of these intolerances.

New Bob Newhart Video

Check out Bob Newhart's first internet video by