Thursday, June 12, 2008

What About Bill?


We've heard a lot of pleas of sympathy for Hillary Clinton ever since she conceded that she didn't win the Democratic nomination. We were told that it was going to be necessary for there to be some time for "the healing process." "Newsweek" even suggested that candidates who lose Presidential elections generally suffer from a kind of post-traumatic stress disorder. If this is true, I have the utmost confidence that Hillary will triumph over these difficulties. She has certainly demonstrated her strength and resiliency during the campaign. The one I'm worried about is Bill.


More than ever, during the interminable campaign for the nomination, the former President demonstrated his love of the limelight. For several years, he had seemed content to be off the front pages and the evening news. He appeared to be happy doing both philanthropic work and making a fortune giving speeches about being philanthropic. But then he got a taste of it again, and he remembered what he'd been missing all those years. It was publicity, feeling important, and having cute young reporters writing down every word that he said.


If he couldn't be President again because of some silly little Constitutional thing, he'd be the closest thing to it. He could be the First Gentleman. Not only that, but he'd be the first First Gentleman.


However, the more obvious it became that Senator Clinton wasn't going to win, the more desperate Bill became. "Hey, this isn't fair," he probably thought. "I'd make a better First Spouse than Michelle Obama. She doesn't even know how to signal to the Secret Service guys to look the other way." If Bill hadn't acted so unprincipled in those final weeks of the campaign, he would have seemed pathetic. So let's not ask that question about Hillary anymore. Instead, let's ask, "What's Bill going to do now?"


Is he really going to be able to go back to the shadows after people made all this fuss about him again? I don't think so. His kind of "attention deficit disorder" happens when the world gives him a deficit of attention.


It's not out of the question, but I doubt that he'll do the reality show, "At Home With The Crazy Clintons." (Note to the Fox Network: When you steal this idea, I'll sue but I'll settle out of court). I don't see him as an All-Star for the Yankees, and he's not going to run for the mayor of Hope, Arkansas. So what can he do that will satisfy his appetite for approval?


As I was worrying about poor Bill, I happened to hear that former basketball player/bridal gown model Dennis Rodman, and child star/do anything guy, Danny Bonaduce were going to be on a new television show called, "Hulk Hogan's Celebrity Wrestling." I immediately thought this might be just the thing for Bill.


He'd get plenty of attention, he could show off his reduced body, and he'd have fawning female fans. But my insanity was only temporary. Bill Clinton is not Danny Bonaduce – and he can quote me on that. Bill doesn't just want the spotlight. He desperately wants to be remembered respectfully. They might not always act like it, but Presidents apparently care what the history books will say about them.


I gave it some more thought, and then realized that Bill had not made a fool of himself for at least a week. He hasn't tried to upstage anyone lately. And he has stopped saying anything negative about Obama.


This last fact is what made me finally understand what Bill is up to. Why is he behaving himself? Why is he cozying up to Barack Obama? It's simple. Bill has figured out what he'd like to do next: he wants to be Vice President.

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